“Let Sleeping Dogs Lie” by Jess

My wife loves animals. Several times I’ve been surprised by strange beasts appearing mysteriously in our bathrooms. The last dog she rescued thought he was Napoleon and attempted to conquer our house with urine and I was forced to make a rule of “no more pets” . Every night I have to keep reminding her that I don’t want our shih tzu sleeping with us, but she sneaks him in anyways. I wouldn’t mind it if he stays on her side of the bed, but most of the time he finds comfort in attempting to reenact a Star Wars scene.

I wake up feeling like a Tauntaun and Luke is trying to keep warm by attempting to slide himself up my large intestines. Everynight I have this growing paranoia that my shih tzu will take advantage of me while I slumber. I see what he does to the towels that accidentally fall to the floor. The pervert has no shame whatsoever. He doesn’t drag them away in a corner, but rather deflowers them in my presence without breaking eye contact. I’m certain he’s trying to tell me, ” tonight, you’re ass is mine”.



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This entry was posted on July 1, 2015 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , .
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